how the light gets in

Category: JANUARY 2018

• PTSD…maybe?

  Posted at 6:20 am by How the Light Gets In, on January 24, 2018

  Joseph: Mom, I hate 4:00.  It’s like the worst time.

  Me: (eye roll) Why Joseph?  Why could you possibly hate 4:00?

  Joseph: They were supposed to let me out at 4:00 and they didn’t and we hoped and hoped but they didn’t.

  Me:  Joseph, are you talking about GBMC?  Buddy, that was a year and a half ago.  And 4:00 now is snack time and it’s the time we sit down for Thanksgiving dinner and it’s still light outside so you can play.

  Joseph: It still makes me worried.

  I’m doing the best I can.  But this is hard.  Maybe you can help.  6 out of 7 of us Smithbergers are on the same page.  That’s 84.5% of our family that is happy to be free from the mess of the past two years.   Joseph is just not free.  The rest of us want to hang the “Hooray” banner…

  But, Joseph is simply not there. I can’t tell you how many times over the past two months I have asked, maybe even yelled, “Why Joseph?  Why are you not happy all the time?”

  Why isn’t he excited about life and his new found freedom??  Last year our lives were consumed with doctors visits, new diagnosis paths, projections, brain fog, pain, testing, making up school work, tears.  We are done with all that!

  He is just NOT happy.  He is timid and angry and hard.  Nothing is ever good enough.

  What makes things worse is he looks so perfect.  He has one scar on this chest but NOTHING else.  He has nothing after almost two YEARS of medical chaos.

  But Joseph is somewhat crippled inside.  His scars are deep down.  And those are the worst kind.

  I try to talk things out.  (words are my favorite tool for just about everything) I light a fire and pop popcorn and bake M&M cookies.  I read “Wonder” or “Tom Sawyer” out loud at bedtime.  I let him use whatever he wants from the recycling bin for his creations.  I pray with him.  I pray for him.  I. I. I…

  I am not enough. And that is hard to accept.  I can not erase his flashbacks or nightmares.  I can’t calm his angry outbursts.   For the love, at this point, I can’t control my angry outbursts.

  I can’t figure out when or how to let him live out his authentic healing path or when to step in and nudge him or stop him to help him along that path.   Because this is HIS story too, obviously.  And he needs to process and heal in his time.  But he’s a little kid.  And, I am his mom.  I want for him to work through his feelings and to own his healing.  But, it’s not happening.

  So, what do I do?  I consult my favorite medical professional, Google.  I type in some of Joseph’s behaviors and get PTSD.

  I kind of shrug it off because I have always associated PTSD with soldiers, as a post-war sort of thing.  But it starts make so much sense.  Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  The little dude is so stressed out because he is dealing with the stress of such a crap year that he fought through and stuffed down and it’s all unraveling.

  So, here’s where I usher Google out and invite God in.  And by now, you know, we know, He is going to answer.  

  I journal every morning.  It’s my way of laying it all out.  Sometimes it’s just whatever comes to mind, or maybe a nagging pull on my heart.  There are a lot of Thank you’s in my journal.  Recently, Joseph is filling the pages.  God, WHAT is going on?  God, WHY can’t he be happy?  Lord, HOW do I help him feel peace in his 9 year old heart?  When you ASK, God answers.  There are so many references to God hearing you in the Bible.  But my most relevant comes from the Book of Andrea.

  I fill my journal pages with questions to a seemingly invisible God, and God answers on a Tuesday filled with friends & conversations.  At breakfast with one friend, I never get to talk to, and her first question is have I seen the article on childhood trauma & how it affects adulthood. And we spill honest, hard, good words.  So thankful.  Then I get a phone call from another friend I rarely see and she tells me I have “been on her heart” and she wants to know how I “really” am.  So, I tell her.  Oh, we’re fine.  That lasted for 5 minutes and then I unload what’s really been going on.  And she tells me her sister is a… wait for it… she’s a therapist who treats kids with PTSD.

  Why consult Google?  Because it’s at your finger tips?  So is God.  

  “And this is the confidence that we have toward Him, that if we ask anything according to His will, HE HEARS US.” 1 John 5:14

  You have stuff.  I have stuff.  We all have stuff.  If it’s pushed way down deep, or if it feels like it’s choking you; ASK God to see it and help you navigate through it.   And watch for, listen for His answer.

  As for Joseph, I contacted the therapist and we will see.  Right now, I’m going to open up my journal.  A few thank you’s are in order.

  Posted in JANUARY 2018 | 1 Comment | Tagged 1 John 5:14, How the Light Gets In, PTSD, Scars

• New Year, New Word

  Posted at 4:53 pm by How the Light Gets In, on January 14, 2018

  New Year, New Word… Years ago, I gave up the traditional long list of New Years Resolutions and swapped it for the “One Word” project.  This is not my invention but an actual thing.  The “One Word” idea is to give thought to one special word to shape, focus, guide your year.  We do it every January as a family.  We search for a scripture to back it up.  Then, we pull out sharpies of all colors, a pile of 5×7 canvases and command strips.  Our “One Word” time around our table is one of my favorites.

  This year, my word is DISCERNMENT.  Sounds solid, doesn’t it?  I really like it.  I feel like it’s a bold, strong, smart word.  I like the idea of being bold, strong and smart.  My scripture is from Colossians 1:9-10.  I swapped out a few pronouns to make it my prayer for this year.  “I keep asking to be filled with the knowledge of His will through all the wisdom and understanding the Spirit gives, so that I may live a life worthy of the Lord, and please Him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work and growing in the knowledge of God, being strengthened with all the power according to His glorious might so I have great endurance and patience.”

  2018, let’s do this:  Knowledge, wisdom, understanding, fruit bearing, growing, endurance and patience.  Yes Yes YES!

  

  “The ability to judge well.”  I need that.  I like that.  I love the idea of taking a breath in before I answer or exhaling before I react.

  And right away, January is testing my word.   But, not how you may think.  I mean, yes, I do have 5 kids.  That alone needs a load of discernment: Is the 15 year old burning the candle at both ends again?  How can I help?  What’s going to trigger Joseph?  There’s the husband.  So, sweet husband, how are we going to handle this week’s athletics, work, commitments and oh yeah, us?  I’m a Wyld Life leader.  How are my middle school friends doing?  Where and how can I be meeting them in their lives?  I’m also a sister, a daughter, a friend.

  But, I didn’t pick the word as a mom.  I felt drawn to the word for me, Andrea, the person.  I want the ability to judge well for me.  Do you know about the Enneagram?  I recently took the test and was rated as a 2, a “Giver.”  Who knew a test could sum me up after 25 minutes of this or that questioning?  But it’s true.  I am a giver, a helper.  I will love you by helping you, driving for you, picking something up for you, etc.  And while that is a nice type of person, certainly one of the sweetest types.  Heehee.  I’m not the best giver to ME.  And that needs some discernment.   Also, this blog, do I keep writing it?  I love writing; truly love it.  And yet, I feel this pull on my heart to be doing something different.  And, I don’t know what it is.  Call in some discernment.

  So, God and I have this good thing going where I keep close to Him through prayer and journaling, etc.  And, He sticks with me.  The other morning I journaled (more like scribbled furiously) how annoyed I was with myself, with this yuck-dissatisfied feeling in my heart.  And I asked God to “bring on Discernment.”  My phone dings to announce an email.  Ready?  Two new emails:  One from “She Reads Truth” offering encouragement in my search for clarity this year.  Wow, ok.  And the other is from Word Press asking, “What is your blog resolution for 2018?”  Can’t make it up.  Ummm, thank you God for sending random mass emails tailored directly to my tangled up heart.   Then I get texts from two friends checking in on me because they “felt me on their hearts.”  Cue the heart eyes emoji.  THEN, I open up my “Jesus Calling” and the reading for the day…

  “When you bring me prayer requests, lay out your concerns before me.  Speak to me candidly, pour out your heart.  Thank me for the answers I have set in motion long before you can DISCERN results.  When your requests come to mind, Thank me for answers already on their way…”  The scriptures for the day come from Exodus 33:14 “My presence will go with you and I will give you rest.”  And John 15:4, “Remain in me as I remain in you.”

  There is something unbelievably mind-blowing about our big, invisible God reaching out from heaven to pat me on the shoulder and encourage me right where I’m at, on the couch, grumpy because I don’t know how to or even want to love myself well.  See how He does it?  Scripture is the obvious way to hear God’s voice.  So, read it, every day; read it.  The more you read, the more familiar God’s voice becomes.  Also, random texts that prove there are no coincidences.  And. my favorite is when God reaches out through my peeps.

  Pray for me, please, to stick to my word.  I know how awesome “steadfast” was for me in 2017.  I look forward to all the ways and people God will use to teach me discernment.  Also, Lily’s word is AAIOIPATPIOIPEAO. May it serve her well.

   

  Posted in JANUARY 2018 | 4 Comments | Tagged 2018, Colossians 1:9-10, Discernment, enneagram, Exodus 33:14, How the Light Gets In, John 15:4, One Word