Today is DAY 10 of waiting for Joseph’s test results from CHOP. Ten whole days of testing ME — my patience, my steadfastness, my Faith. Before I get into what these past days have looked like, here’s what I think FAITH looks like:
Faith is NOT a label you wear. Faith is NOT a statement you throw around. Faith is NOT a destination. Faith is a human being putting trust in an unseen God.
Just before going into this 10 Day Test, I listened to a Jen Hatmaker podcast with guest, Brene Brown. Among a million amazing things, Brown stopped me with this, “Don’t be scary when you’re scared.” If my heart had hands and a highlighter, it circled that statement over and over. So, I promised myself to hold onto that. She also said, “Science and Spirit are all from the same source.” Hmmmm… heart hands, highlight that too.
This is where I have seen how Science & Spirit go hand in hand in Faith. I just learned how to breathe. Literally. I have been doing it wrong all along. Took 42 years to teach this human how to BREATHE. Is God rolling his eyes at me? My physiotherapist instructed me to inhale deep and fill up my tummy. And then, on the exhale, to imagine pulling two points on my hips together. Want to know what I was doing so wrong? I wasn’t breathing. I was holding my breath. Anytime I was in the midst of something scary or hard (or just wanted to look thinner), I would hold my breath. She said I was suppressing and holding onto the bad instead of experiencing it and letting it go. Science and Spirit, baby.
My physical body was stopping the very thing it needs for life, breathing, to numb a bad experience. And as weird as it sounds, inhaling and exhaling correctly force me to be IN the moment, the good and the bad. My homework these past two weeks, has been to breathe. The timing of that science for the testing of this faith is divine, don’t you think? “Breathing Homework” examples: we were so excited to find a new trail at Loch Raven. We explored it deep until we felt like we were all alone. In THAT moment, with all 5 kids, on a beautiful day, overlooking the water, I inhaled sweetness and exhaled gratitude. On the other hand, following a conversation with someone who meant well but scared the crap outta me; I inhaled slow fear and exhaled it OUTTA me.
There are several scriptures about Faith that give it good visual. Words like anchor, shield, etc. We, as humans, need the visual sometimes for our unseen God. There is, however, the person who gives us a visual to the unseen God, Jesus. And He is my model. God gave us his son to show us how to get it done! God put flesh and blood to his divine power and gave us this… person. The ULTIMATE combination of Science and Spirit.
And you know what is so cool about Jesus? He didn’t float around making people bow down. Jesus walked, taught, cried from grief, lost his cool, took a break from the noise, asked for a pass, and he was always talking to God. Jesus shows us FAITH is a LIFE FILLED WITH action, emotion, it’s a journey; side by side with God. What I am trying to say is just because I have faith doesn’t mean these past 10 days have been me saying “God is good” with a numb smile. I have cried, smiled, freaked out, prayed, called CHOP, prayed a bunch more; breathing in and out the whole time. While I have been trying so hard to be steady, I have stumbled. And you know what? That is okay because “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning…” Lamentations 3:22-23.
God may be invisible but His love is not. Reading the Bible, getting texts from you all, being healthy enough to see all of my kids off to school, the timing of hearing Brene Brown’s wisdom; all evidence of God and how he weaves His spirit into my everyday. Pray for me as I wait on the science.