Andrea Smithberger has been benched.
I am still hurting. Feels like pain and even the meds to treat the pain have put me on the DL. I’m sitting on the sidelines of how I used to live. And, I’ve been wrestling with it pretty hard these past few weeks. Not only am I hurting but I feel stuck. I feel not myself. I feel annoyed. Especially after Sprance…
Sprance is the Spring Dance held at Lauren’s school. She wore a gorgeous, red dress and she was going with an awesome group of friends plus she was bringing a date. Yes, a boy. I buried the lead there, didn’t I? All that to say, I wanted to be there and be able to drive the group around that night, so I skipped my pain meds. Everything started out so well and so fun. But the pain started creeping in during the pre-party. Imagine a thorny stick going in from your hip, through your lower tummy, twisting around, pulling back, and curling out the other hip. Add a throbbing ache here and there to make it interesting. I just wanted to be at the pictures. I just wanted to see my Lauren smile with her friends. I just wanted to make sure this guy knew who I was. (And, for the record, he gets a thumbs up.) I just wanted to drive them around and hear them laugh and attempt conversation. And I was there. But I also paid the price for it. I cried most of the next few days, got grumpy and sulked.
This blog is a great accountability tool for me. If I titled the stupid thing “How the Light Gets In,” then the challenge is set. Right? Also, God. Why God keeps after me blows my mind. But He does. So, between God and this blog, you know I have to look for the good and trust that there is purpose. Otherwise, I’m just hurting and sitting.
Pain put me on the DL. Tell me, God, where are we going with this? I’m looking and trusting. This is what I’m finding: Pain has slowed the momentum of what I knew as my life to a crawl. And when I take the meds; I stutter, get too dizzy to drive and STILL end up on the couch. I have 5 kids and it’s MAY, people. May is as crazy as December with all the end-of-year-things. I can’t. Literally.
DETAILS: When you can’t do much more than sit, you start to notice things. Bitter Andrea would scowl that life is moving without me. But Better Andrea (cheesey, but stay with me) sees more. There’s something intensely important about noticing details and patterns and nuances around me. I see Luci’s freckles and denim blue eyes. I inhale the smell of Lily’s hair after a full day of school and “bunch bunch” (or lunch bunch as boring people call it). I look around at dozens of Sophomores in full-on selfie mode and smile from the inside out. In the rush of life, I would miss this.
SPEED: I mentioned before I’m at a crawl. I get basics done. This part kills me. I’m used to going and doing and doing more! The meds can make me stutter so I have to think before I speak. I pause before I open my mouth. For those in my immediate circle, that has probably been beneficial. But it’s hard and humbling for me.
PURPOSE: My schedule is very intentional. I have the “musts” and I’m getting those done. There isn’t much more though. I’m more purposeful in my planning and that is an adjustment. I used to be the type that felt “the busier the better.” I can honestly say having some free space on the calendar feels good. An immediate reward has been Tuesday nights with my new friend, Lori.
What has you sitting the bench? A broken ankle or a broken heart, either way, let’s use this time to retrain some muscles, to grow in new ways.
1 Peter 5:6 says, “He will lift you up in due time.” I’m here, Coach. I’ll trust you to let me know when I’m ready.
One thought on “Sidelined.”
Andrea… so much to say! I’m so glad you found me online. I’ve been missing you on fb these last few years. And I absolutely love the name of your blog. And you are a beautiful writer. And I’m just starting to read it and it sounds like you’ve had a rough few years and I’m so sorry to hear this. I’d love to reconnect. You are so thoughtful on the comments of my son (yes, I want to eat him up!) and he came to us after a super long painful journey but we are now so blessed. Continue to let your light shine. Hugs and love you!! xoxo
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