how the light gets in

Category: MAY 2018

• Follow Through

  Posted at 7:53 am by How the Light Gets In, on May 27, 2018

  Yes, the Athlete Analogy continues. Remember last time, when I wrote about being side-lined, taken out of the game, put on the DL? A lot has happened in the days since I last posted.  Walk with me.

  Jason and I met with a new surgeon. Dr. Johnson is a pelvic reconstructive surgeon.  A friend suggested him. I called. HE answered. We met Friday. Boom!

  I went in to the appointment hoping this doctor would have the surgery in mind, that we would look at the calendar and he would schedule my rescue.  And that’s exactly how it did not go. Like, not at all.

  Dr. Johnson told me surgery is simply not an option.  How dare he? He explained that in order to feel better it was up to me.   The road to recovery involves time, effort, money and it is up to me.

  Life hurt me. Life left evil, painful, sad scars on me through many ways over many years. Being opened up for surgery 5 times in 10 months didn’t help.  My heart didn’t realize how much it wanted this doctor to schedule a quick-fix surgery until it didn’t hear it.

  I left feeling so sad.  That sadness turned to anger.  Why is it up to me to fix what life gave me?  WHY?

  I asked. God answered.

  FRIDAY Jason came with me.  He asked good questions of both the doctor and me. He loved me well through good food, thoughtful conversation, much needed quiet, and hugs. And beautiful Grammie shows up with my absolute favorite beef and barley stew with loaves of bread PLUS brownies WITH icing. She is magic.

  SATURDAY I found myself zoning out at Luci’s basketball practice.  Coach snapped me back yelling, “Again!  Again! Guys it’s all about the follow through!” He was making the kids repeat the same moves over and over until it became one fluid motion.  They were all grumbling but they did it. Step left, step right, dribble and up. Over and over and over. But, they got it.  And you could see the confidence in their faces.

  Yes, I teared up during basketball drills. “Hey God, I see you seeing me.  I see how this path to healing involves a lot of Follow Through; the recovery, healing, letting go, committing and watching with hope.  Okay.” Good tears.

  SUNDAY is church and Nativity is just where God loves to hang out so that was good.

  MONDAY I got a text from Colleen

  

  Endurance and encouragement sound like great tools to make the Follow Through work. Grateful Colleen hit “send” for me.

  TUESDAY I listen to a podcast and hear the guest say he hoped after something hard in his life to be able to pray that God would make a NEW thing.  That his prayer is not to take something old and make it better but to make something TOTALLY NEW.

  WEDNESDAY Taylor shows up with flowers and in her best coaching voice she helps change the voice in my heart. “Yay!  It’s up to YOU and no one else, nothing else, just YOU!” Wisdom from a friend half my age.

  So this is up to me.  My healing is in my hands. And I got this.

  BECAUSE I believe there is a God.  I believe God is on my side.  I believe God loves me. I believe God shows up in ALL ways to prove it.

  Let the work begin! (and the sports analogies end)

  amen

   

   

  Posted in MAY 2018 | 1 Comment | Tagged Colleen, Follow Through, How the Light Gets In, Romans 15:4-5, Taylor

• Sidelined.

  Posted at 11:46 am by How the Light Gets In, on May 13, 2018

  Andrea Smithberger has been benched.

  I am still hurting.  Feels like pain and even the meds to treat the pain have put me on the DL.  I’m sitting on the sidelines of how I used to live.  And, I’ve been wrestling with it pretty hard these past few weeks.  Not only am I hurting but I feel stuck.  I feel not myself.  I feel annoyed.  Especially after Sprance…

  Sprance is the Spring Dance held at Lauren’s school.  She wore a gorgeous, red dress and she was going with an awesome group of friends plus she was bringing a date.  Yes, a boy.  I buried the lead there, didn’t I?  All that to say, I wanted to be there and be able to drive the group around that night, so I skipped my pain meds.  Everything started out so well and so fun.  But the pain started creeping in during the pre-party.  Imagine a thorny stick going in from your hip, through your lower tummy, twisting around, pulling back, and curling out the other hip.  Add a throbbing ache here and there to make it interesting.  I just wanted to be at the pictures.  I just wanted to see my Lauren smile with her friends.  I just wanted to make sure this guy knew who I was.  (And, for the record, he gets a thumbs up.)  I just wanted to drive them around and hear them laugh and attempt conversation.  And I was there.  But I also paid the price for it.  I cried most of the next few days, got grumpy and sulked.

  

  This blog is a great accountability tool for me.  If I titled the stupid thing “How the Light Gets In,” then the challenge is set.  Right?  Also, God.  Why God keeps after me blows my mind.  But He does.  So, between God and this blog, you know I have to look for the good and trust that there is purpose.  Otherwise, I’m just hurting and sitting.

  Pain put me on the DL. Tell me, God, where are we going with this? I’m looking and trusting.  This is what I’m finding: Pain has slowed the momentum of what I knew as my life to a crawl.  And when I take the meds; I stutter, get too dizzy to drive and STILL end up on the couch.  I have 5 kids and it’s MAY, people.  May is as crazy as December with all the end-of-year-things.  I can’t. Literally.

  DETAILS: When you can’t do much more than sit, you start to notice things.  Bitter Andrea would scowl that life is moving without me.  But Better Andrea (cheesey, but stay with me) sees more. There’s something intensely important about noticing details and patterns and nuances around me.  I see Luci’s freckles and denim blue eyes.  I inhale the smell of Lily’s hair after a full day of school and “bunch bunch” (or lunch bunch as boring people call it).  I look around at dozens of Sophomores in full-on selfie mode and smile from the inside out.  In the rush of life, I would miss this.

  SPEED: I mentioned before I’m at a crawl.  I get basics done.  This part kills me.  I’m used to going and doing and doing more!  The meds can make me stutter so I have to think before I speak.  I pause before I open my mouth.  For those in my immediate circle, that has probably been beneficial.  But it’s hard and humbling for me.

  PURPOSE: My schedule is very intentional.  I have the “musts” and I’m getting those done.  There isn’t much more though. I’m more purposeful in my planning and that is an adjustment. I used to be the type that felt “the busier the better.” I can honestly say having some free space on the calendar feels good. An immediate reward has been Tuesday nights with my new friend, Lori.

  What has you sitting the bench? A broken ankle or a broken heart, either way, let’s use this time to retrain some muscles, to grow in new ways.

  1 Peter 5:6 says, “He will lift you up in due time.” I’m here, Coach.  I’ll trust you to let me know when I’m ready.

  Posted in MAY 2018 | 1 Comment | Tagged 1 Peter 5:6, Better not BItter, How the Light Gets In, Sidelined