how the light gets in

Author Archives: How the Light Gets In

• Practice Makes… Happy

  Posted at 10:13 pm by How the Light Gets In, on October 9, 2017

  Joseph’s eye surgery is done.  Behind us.  And it went so well.  In fact, he has 20/20 vision in both eyes and both eyes are straight.  It’s all we could ask for.  So why is my heart so funky?

  The practice of actively looking for “how the light gets in” this past year wasn’t always easy.  The “good” definitely stands out when everything else is crumbling.

  The phone call from CHOP felt as though light was literally busting through all the dark, heavy months.  Joseph was told his eyes are perfect and I was told I no longer need physiotherapy ON THE SAME DAY.  So why? Why? WHY was my heart kind of “blah”?  Stacey said it plain and simple, “You’re waiting for the other shoe to drop.”  Thank God for honest friends.  I was hearing the good news and waiting for the call back to say “On second thought, Mrs. Smithberger…”

  That’s when I realized the practice of looking for the light is work; work I have to choose and then do every day.  Every single day.

  If I don’t look for it, if I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop, I’m going to miss out.

  If you don’t look for the light, you’re going to miss out.

  I’m not talking about looking for the silver lining or the miraculous.   No spin.  The fact is there’s just a lot of amazing in the ordinary.  So every day, I look for the light and then say Thank you.

  Like the other day when I noticed a friend, so I put the car in park and we had an impromptu “party” on the sidewalk.  I know two of the women, but the other mommas had simply heard our story and pulled me into their hugs to cry with me and celebrate with me.  I climbed back in the car, looked up through the sunroof and said Thank you.

  Or when I walked into Bank of America to make a deposit.  Sweet Ms Iris, doing her job, asked how I was but instead of saying fine;  I told her, “We got great news and I’m just getting used to it.  God is good.”  And she answered, “All the time.”  –God is good all the time– in the good, the bad, the boring, the everyday, God is good all the time.  Anyways, she told me a little of her story and before long I put up my hand on the plexiglass and she put her hand up to mine and we just cried.  Here’s a woman I don’t know, sharing her sadness and her joy and her faith with me.  Thank you.

  Every time I drop off Joseph at school, my heart swells seeing teachers with their thumbs up for us and their eyes brimmed up with tears for us. Thank you.

  When Lily is putting on her “chee-jays” at “bednight,” telling me about yet another Halloween costume idea; I look in her sweet eyes and say Thank you under my breath.

  Running around for 17 hours straight with my boys at a soccer tournament.  How about that?  I was able to get up and go and cheer and sit on a sideline and drive around and chat and laugh and cheer some more.  For that 17 hour light marathon, I say Thank you.

  Once you get in the groove of looking for the light, you can’t help but want to REFLECT the light!  So, the other day, I got a Graul’s cake to celebrate being “normal” (because, truly, what says shiny, happy like buttercream frosting?)  And in the moment, to have all 7 of us, circled around that frosted goodness and say what we were grateful for right then… Thank you x7.

  1 John 1:5-7 tells us

  “God is light… If we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with each other.”  

  I love this verse because it ties in our beautiful light source and binds it to US being TOGETHER in it!  We are meant to do life together and we are wired to be drawn to the light.  God might not be walking the Earth but He sure does shine through.  And it’s in those light-filled moments that I feel God so close.  It makes the moments almost sacred to me.

  And maybe taking the extra time to soak in the ordinary moments is what makes them extraordinary.

  Thank you for being in this with me.

   

   

  Posted in OCTOBER 2017 | 3 Comments | Tagged 1 John 1:5-7, eye surgery, How the Light Gets In

• Mettle and Metal

  Posted at 11:30 am by How the Light Gets In, on September 20, 2017

  Luci just asked me about Homonyms; words that sound the same but have different meanings.   I was looking down at my bracelets, one copper, one gold, one silver, and said “Metal, Mettle and Medal!”  I wrote them down and pulled out my phone to write the definitions… Heart started thumping.

  According to Webster’s Dictionary, Mettle is “a person’s ability to cope well with difficulties or to face a demanding situation in a spirited or resilient way.”  These past few years have tested my flipping mettle.  This person, ME, is TRYING to cope well with lots of difficulties.  And it sure has been in a spirited way!

  Do you see what’s written on my metal?

   “For this child I prayed: Lauren, John, Luci, Joseph and Lily” that comes from 1 Samuel 1:27.  What a sweet reminder, from a sweet friend, that these children of mine are answered prayers.

  “For such a time as this” is from Esther 4:14.  Another gift from an awesome friend, reminding me this is my story and He is right beside me.

  And my “Infinite love” band from yet another beautiful friend. (I have friends who know how to gift!!!). The box it came in says, “Love is strength that can move mountains.  Let this bracelet be a reminder that you are loved wholly, truly, infinitely.”

  And of course, my Pandora from Jason, each intentional bead representing a page in my story.

  Looking back at the definition of “mettle” and looking down at my bracelets, I see a bold difference in definitions.  While I have been able to face some demanding situations, my spirit, my mettle, has been made stronger with reminders like the ones on my wrist.

  I am not alone.  I have purpose.  And I am loved.

  When your mettle is tested, remember, You are not alone.  You have purpose. YOU ARE LOVED.

  That is more precious than any metal.

  Posted in SEPTEMBER 2017 | 3 Comments | Tagged Esther 4:14, Homonyms, mettle, Pandora bracelet, Samuel 1:27

• Here’s My Heart

  Posted at 10:48 am by How the Light Gets In, on September 12, 2017

  “The creator of the heavens.

  The one who stretches them out.

  Who spreads out the Earth with all that springs from it.

  Who gives breath to it’s people

  and life to those who walk on it.”  Isaiah 42:5

  Yes, that God… My God is doing a little happy dance with us today.  Our God is high-fiveing and celebrating right along side us.

  The hospital called.

  The neurologist listed it all off, like a grocery list; “MS-no, Lesions-gone, Cancer-no, Not even a history of Lymes, No more cranial swelling, No more enhancement of the cranial nerves.  Yep, he looks good.”  She asked if I was still on the line but I was too busy crying in absolute shock to answer.  Did you exhale?

  Deuteronomy 4:9 says “don’t forget the things your eyes have seen… don’t let them fade from your heart as long as you live.”

  I can’t forget Joseph in the hospital; pale, weak, skinny, sad.  I can’t forget how he woke up so angry from anesthesia realizing he had a line put in his chest.  I can’t forget when he was waiting to blow out the candles on his birthday cake but was working so hard to pull his eyes together.  I can’t forget driving down Charles street to one appointment after another week after week. I can’t forget phone calls to any and every doctor, “Can you help me?  My son is sick and I need help.”

  “What I tell you in the dark, speak in the daylight.

  What is whispered in your ear, PROCLAIM IT FROM THE ROOFS!”   Matthew 10:27

  This is my “roof” and I am shouting it friends!  There has been a lot of dark but the whispers of “I will hold your hand” from Isaiah or “Be strong and courageous” from James and “I am with you and will watch over you wherever you go” from Genesis… Come on!  That’s what we’ve been holding onto, breathing in!!!  And the exhale is a snot-nosed, red-eyed, blubbering ME, ready to hug everyone and dance all day!

  I want the pain, the beauty, the victory to leave it’s imprint on my heart and yours.  We’ve learned too much, right?  And life being life, there will be more.  So, let’s carry these lessons together.

  Also, the neurologist said she has “no explanation for why Joseph was so sick or for why he is fine now.

  Whateve’s Science, Spirit’s got this… If I see you, I’m hugging you!

   

  Posted in SEPTEMBER 2017 | 2 Comments | Tagged Deuteronomy 4:9, How the Light Gets In, Isaiah 42:5, Matthew 10:27, Miracle

• Breathing and Believing

  Posted at 9:37 am by How the Light Gets In, on September 7, 2017

  Today is DAY 10 of waiting for Joseph’s test results from CHOP.  Ten whole days of testing ME — my patience, my steadfastness, my Faith.   Before I get into what these past days have looked like, here’s what I think FAITH looks like:

  Faith is NOT a label you wear.  Faith is NOT a statement you throw around.  Faith is NOT a destination.  Faith is a human being putting trust in an unseen God.

  Just before going into this 10 Day Test, I listened to a Jen Hatmaker podcast with guest, Brene Brown.  Among a million amazing things, Brown stopped me with this, “Don’t be scary when you’re scared.”  If my heart had hands and a highlighter, it circled that statement over and over.   So, I promised myself to hold onto that.  She also said, “Science and Spirit are all from the same source.”  Hmmmm… heart hands, highlight that too.

  This is where I have seen how Science & Spirit go hand in hand in Faith.  I just learned how to breathe.  Literally.  I have been doing it wrong all along.  Took 42 years to teach this human how to BREATHE.  Is God rolling his eyes at me? My physiotherapist instructed me to inhale deep and fill up my tummy.  And then, on the exhale, to imagine pulling two points on my hips together.  Want to know what I was doing so wrong?  I wasn’t breathing. I was holding my breath.  Anytime I was in the midst of something scary or hard (or just wanted to look thinner), I would hold my breath.  She said I was suppressing and holding onto the bad instead of experiencing it and letting it go.  Science and Spirit, baby.

  My physical body was stopping the very thing it needs for life, breathing, to numb a bad experience.  And as weird as it sounds, inhaling and exhaling correctly force me to be IN the moment, the good and the bad.  My homework these past two weeks, has been to breathe.  The timing of that science for the testing of this faith is divine, don’t you think?  “Breathing Homework” examples:  we were so excited to find a new trail at Loch Raven.  We explored it deep until we felt like we were all alone.  In THAT moment, with all 5 kids, on a beautiful day, overlooking the water, I inhaled sweetness and exhaled gratitude.  On the other hand, following a conversation with someone who meant well but scared the crap outta me; I inhaled slow fear and exhaled it OUTTA me.

  There are several scriptures about Faith that give it good visual.  Words like anchor, shield, etc.  We, as humans, need the visual sometimes for our unseen God.   There is, however, the person who gives us a visual to the unseen God, Jesus.  And He is my model.  God gave us his son to show us how to get it done!  God put flesh and blood to his divine power and gave us this… person.  The ULTIMATE combination of Science and Spirit.

  And you know what is so cool about Jesus?  He didn’t float around making people bow down.  Jesus walked, taught, cried from grief, lost his cool, took a break from the noise, asked for a pass, and he was always talking to God.   Jesus shows us FAITH is a LIFE FILLED WITH action, emotion, it’s a journey; side by side with God.    What I am trying to say is just because I have faith doesn’t mean these past 10 days have been me saying “God is good” with a numb smile.  I have cried, smiled, freaked out, prayed, called CHOP, prayed a bunch more; breathing in and out the whole time.  While I have been trying so hard to be steady, I have stumbled.  And you know what?  That is okay because “The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases, his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning…”  Lamentations 3:22-23.

  God may be invisible but His love is not.  Reading the Bible, getting texts from you all, being healthy enough to see all of my kids off to school, the timing of hearing Brene Brown’s wisdom; all evidence of God and how he weaves His spirit into my everyday.  Pray for me as I wait on the science.

  inhale

  exhale

   

   

   

  Posted in SEPTEMBER 2017 | 1 Comment | Tagged Brene Brown, CHOP, Don't be scary when you're scared, Faith, How the Light Gets In, Jen Hatmaker, Lamentations 3:22-23

• Espera

  Posted at 10:33 pm by How the Light Gets In, on August 30, 2017

  A lot of you have asked me what to pray for; no MS, no cancer, no more lesions, clean MRI, lower white blood cell count.   Please pray for our family to feel a steady calm over the next week with “no fear of bad news, steadfast hearts, trusting in the Lord.” Psalm 112:7

  My hero is an 8 year old boy with crooked, duct-taped glasses.  Joseph went into his big “Testing Day” with a steady calm about him.  “Will I have to get an IV?”  The nurse said, “Yes, you will.”  He nodded his head, let a few tears fall down his cheeks and said, “Okay.”  He got the IV while listening to a Child Life Specialist read the letter from, Lauren (my 15 year old hero).  Long story short, MRI, Spinal Tap and blood work are done!  Joseph woke up happy and thanked everyone.  Monday was the tough part for him.  And, he handled it so well.  He set the bar high.  And now, the tough part comes for me and Jason… the wait.  We will wait a week to hear results.  That’s 168 hours to let a mother’s brain wander.

  And wander it has, but to random things like… Spanish.   The word “esperar” means to WAIT.   And the word “esperanza” means to HOPE.  Esperar & Espereranza.  To wait and to hope are connected.   The Spanish language has been with me my entire life.  Not until now did I make that connection.   Funny, isn’t it?  That’s exactly what we’re doing now, waiting with hope.

  Are you waiting for something now?  An answer or a person or a change?  Let’s link arms and hold each other up.  Patience is hard.  Trusting in the process is hard.  Letting go of YOUR timeline and handing it to someone else, yikes.  Remember, waiting and hope go hand in hand.  I’ll be praying for you and for us, “May the God of HOPE fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with HOPE by the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

  Let’s OVERFLOW con ESPERANZA!

  Posted in AUGUST 2017 | 2 Comments | Tagged Espera, How the Light Gets In, MRI, Psalm 112:7, Romans 15:13, Spinal Tap

• The sea says, “nope.”

  Posted at 11:47 am by How the Light Gets In, on August 26, 2017

  How do you find your peace?  Where is your Happy Place?  We all have one in mind.  That dreamy place where everything settles just where it belongs.  Talking about it at dinner with friends, the answers sound like: the ocean, the lake, an island.   So, the sidelines of a game, teaching in a classroom, fighting traffic… not the ideal spots for peace?  Yeah, I feel you.  So, when Jesus says something like “Peace I leave with you.  My peace I give you.  I do not give it to you as the world gives.”  That can totally be one of those lofty sounding scriptures that makes you want to 1. roll your eyes and 2. nod your head in passive acceptance.

  But hear it.  Listen to it.  Jesus, the son of God who created the universe and it’s beaches and lakes.  Jesus, who walked this dusty, hard Earth and felt all of our human emotions so He could really get us.  That Jesus is offering you peace.  And it’s not your peace.  It’s not the massage, on the beach, with the candles and warm puppies prancing in the water.  (Warm puppies, yes). He is giving you HIS peace.  He even says, ALL THOSE YEARS AGO, “I do not give it to you as the world gives.”  He knew then and knows now how we build up the perfect spot in our mind.  He offers His peace plain and simple.

  What blows my mind about the bible is that it just reminds me over and over how connected we all are; past and present and future.  The book of Job goes back even further than Jesus and it tells the story of people thousands of years ago doing the same thing we do today. “Mortals search out the farthest recesses for ore in the blackest darkness… in places untouched.. they tunnel… they search.” -Job 28

  “THEY” are YOU, ME, US because we are still searching and longing for that spot where it all is just right.  Back then and today, the bluest oceans still say, “Nope.”  Job 28:14 says, “The deep says, ‘it is not me.’ The sea says, ‘it is not me.'”  Now, please do not get me wrong.  There is NOTHING wrong with an escape.  I love the ocean and would go to the beach right now if I could.  It IS a happy place for me.  When I’m there I feel connected to the sound of the waves, the tiniest granules of sand, the wide open-ness of it all.  God is a an artist.

  But I can’t get there all the time.  And God doesn’t give His peace the way we expect.  I remember one specific time of when I have felt that peace.  The unmistakable calm in the pediatric wing, under flourescent lights, in a hospital room.   Not a happy place.  We were on day 4 of our hospital stay with Joseph.   He was so sick, so scared and pretty bitter because he felt “God forgot him.”  We had just finished reading a book called, “Tashi.”  I read all 400+ pages aloud in just a few days.  Such a great escape from where we were at the moment!!  The book was a gift from my friend Meredith and her daughter, Allison.   As soon as it was done, we both cried.  It’s like we realized where we were again.  Joseph asked me to search for a sequel on Amazon.  I was literally praying for the sequel and that it was “Prime” so we could get that book the next day.  I remember the tension I felt in my neck, the tight grip on my heart to find the book.  That’s where we were, ok?  I needed God to get me that book for my kid NOW.  I texted Meredith to ask if Allison had the 2nd book.  I didn’t want to ruin the surprise but I had to know.  And I prayed; “God please just have this book for Joseph.  I need peace for Joseph.  He needs to feel like you see him again.”  Joseph said out loud, “Mom, let’s pray for the book.  I have my roll of quarters from Ms Beth.  I can’t walk to the snack machine so what if I buy the second Tashi book for Allison.”  I am a cry-er.  Tears are my thing.  But at that moment, I held them back and agreed to his request.  He prayed “God please let there be a second Tashi.  And let it be $10.  And please let Allison share it with me when she’s done.”  Here is where the peace came flooding in.  Because YES, there was a Tashi Sequel.  YES, it was Prime.  YES, it was under $10.  All answers to his prayer.  But right then, Meredith walked in and handed me the second book and left.  I turned to show Joseph. And his face,  I’ll never forget it.  He smiled so big and started looking around the room, “Mom. He is here.  God heard me just like that.  He is here.”  No blue waters.  No sand.  Just a smile and a book to remind me that God is with us.

  God is for us.  God just wants to share His peace with us.  I don’t even remember if we liked the second book.  I will always remember the calm, the assurance, the deep peace we had in that little room at that moment.

  God is an artist in your world right where you are.  Let Him meet you and gift you some amazing, tailored-just-for-you, delivered in unexpected way kind of peace.

  Go ahead and ask for it.

  Posted in AUGUST 2017 | 1 Comment | Tagged God, Happy Place, How the Light Gets In, Job 28, Job 28:14, Tashi

• I don’t want to forget…

  Posted at 12:21 am by How the Light Gets In, on August 24, 2017

  Last night, I said out loud “I feel like the old Andrea again!”  I was smiling ear to ear as I told Jason “I went to the bank, the store, picked up the girls from cross country, made lunch, went for a mommy-daughter date with friends, dropped the big girls off at Hunt Valley, made dinner, took everyone to the pool, fired up the grill; and I’m NOT hurting!”  There.  My list of “accomplishments.”

  The smile faded and I went to bed unhappy.  I have had several days of no pain.  That, in and of itself, is worthy of cartwheels!  Very stiff carthweels.  But something was feeling eh.  I tried to lay down earlier, hoping I could relax.  But, the list-making was back and it was loud.  Prioritzing housework, delegating who would do what, mapping out my route to “make the most of the day”– sound familar?   I’m actually really good at mapping out my errands in a circle so I end up at home feeling accomplished – saved gas, checked off list, made it home to just circle again.  And then, I get to rattle off my list to whoever will listen.  All the circles -no wonder my head is spinning!

  This morning, I prayed for quiet in my head.   If you don’t sit in quiet, I INSIST you try. And, don’t even start with “I don’t have time.”  SIT.  Ten minutes.  And then what?  Well, I’m a big fan of “thank you’s,” so I like to start with:  “Thank you for this moment.  Thank you for another day.  Thank you for deep breaths.  Thank you for those I love.  Thank you for this peace.  Thank you for stillness.”  Just try.

  Oddly enough, it was during my thank you’s that I panicked.  Because, it was in the quiet I realized I was back to feeling normal!  So, why am I running in circles again?!  I realized I was playing with the same, old moves.  Boo Andrea.   Then, I got all annoyed because I was throwing away a year worth of “training.”  What an intense 10 minutes, huh?  Stick with me…

  Pain took me out of my game last year.  So many times, I wanted to get up and GO.  But moving hurt too much.

  Pain isolated me.  Friends would come to chat and keep me in the loop.  But, the hurt would cut our visit short.

  Pain made me bitter.  My kids were making memories without me, friends were playing tennis without me, life was moving around me and I… was on the couch.

  But, Pain gifted me the chance to be an observer.  I got to witness my husband, my kids, my friends, my faith.  The time I spent sitting was a chance to see how fast I was moving before pain.  I could see that yes, I was getting a lot of stuff done but ugh.

  The time I spent on the couch became opportunities for short but sweet, eye to eye conversations.  My pain really sifted the heck out of our schedules until our family calendar had “empty” days.   Pain cancelled my business of busy-ness.

  Yes, Pain twisted me into the fetal position too many times but man, it has also slowed me to an intentional pace.  And I am grateful for it.  Have you read “Present Over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist?  In addition to sitting for ten minutes, reading the book is another MUST!   Shauna writes “I can’t hear the voice of love when I’m hustling.  All I can hear are my own feet pounding the pavement, and the sound of other runners about to overtake me, beat me.  But competition has no place in my life anymore.”

  It took 5 surgeries and 13 scars to get me to a place where I get that.  I’m over having my house be perfect for you to come over.  Come over.  But call first.  I’m not into pushing my kids to be on travel and club teams.  I just want them happy and working on figuring out how to do that together!  I’m not into verbalizing my schedule to watch your eyes grow bigger in awe anymore.  I used to do that to make myself feel better.  (Insert, face palm here)   “See how busy I am?  I am so busy!”  I am done competing for busiest.    Paul wrote in his letter to the Romans, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”  -Romans 12:2  This world is running on Dunkin, in circles, for “Longest Checked List” award.  I’m done.

  I’m breaking the pattern and digging the transformation. I’m leaving days on the calendar “empty.”  I’m inhaling and feeling the breath fill my body.  I’m saying lots of Thank You’s.

  And watching for how the light gets in.

  Posted in AUGUST 2017 | 1 Comment | Tagged Busy-ness, How the Light Gets In, Pain, Romans 12:2

• Answered Prayers & Still Asking…

  Posted at 2:38 pm by How the Light Gets In, on August 18, 2017

  When my parents moved to Florida, my mom gave me a box and some random stuff, labeled “Andrea.”  This was a few years ago and I JUST opened the box while cleaning out the storage room.  I am so glad it took me all this time to open it.  There are a few 1st place ribbons from swim team.  And other colors, surely for first place as well.  The gloves Granny Lucy wore to her wedding and then gave to me.  A sterling silver piggy bank.  And a collage I had made from my trip to Austria.  I was putting the frame back when a folded up paper fell out of the back of it.  I opened it and couldn’t believe my eyes, or my heart, or our God.

  The memory came back vividly.  I was 13 at the time and crying to my mom that no man would ever love me.  “How will I know when I meet my husband?”  “What if I pass him by or he never loves me back?!?!”  OOOOHHHHH the deep hormonal pit of despair!!!!  My mom (who is a huge fan of putting things in writing) told me to sit down and write a specific list of what I wanted my husband to be like, to look like, etc.  “Andreita, write it down and offer it to the Lord.”  And I did.  My list: -Tall, at least 6’4” -Strong -Hazel eyes -Freckles -Good person -Helpful heart -Loving.  I remember folding up that piece of loose leaf paper, holding it in my hands and asking God to hear my prayer.

  For those of you that don’t know him, Jason is 6’4” with hazel eyes and freckles.  He was the quarterback of the football team and a baseball pitcher in high school and college. Also, his name means “healer.” And my giant, good-hearted husband is a snuggler.  There’s more.  Jason lived in my neighborhood, rode the same school bus, graduated the same year, same high school; and we NEVER talked to each other.  It wasn’t until 1998 that our paths would cross…. In our neighborhood… at a pre-prom photo opp of his sister and mine.  Crazy, right?  I wrote my “dreamy husband” list 5 years before that meeting.  I offered up my sincere, specific prayer and it was answered… to the last freckle!  I LOVE that I found that letter for so many reasons.

  Because here I am now, ready to put another very sincere and very specific prayer request to God.  I know He hears me.  I know He loves me.  I know he will answer me.  And I know it will be in His timing.  And that is the sticky part for me.  Maybe it is for you too.  Wait, “sticky” is not the word.  Ummm… annoying, frustrating, hard, slow, too quick, NOT MINE?  Yep, that’s better.  The prayer is mine but the power and timing and answer is all His.  Proverbs 16:9 says “in their hearts, humans plan their course but the Lord establishes their steps.” Dang it.  And Hallelujiah!  This is the hard part!!!  Looking back AGAIN, I see how good and right and knowing God is in my life.

  And the timing couldn’t be more perfect, more holy… This past year, advocating for Joseph became a full-time job. I was either on the phone trying to get somebody to help figure out what is wrong with him or I was traveling to 3 different hospitals (luckily all close) to get the latest measurements and results or I was maintaining communication among the team of docs, taking notes, submitting forms, scheduling next appointments, feeling the rollercoaster of “it could be this or it could be that” and all the while keeping Joseph calm.  I have done what I can.  I am still learning.

  I opened the book of Ephesians and got just what I needed.  Paul wrote a letter to the people of Ephesus, offering encouragement on how to “walk the walk” of faith.  Have you read it?  You should, again and again.  It’s a major pep talk in just a few pages…

  You were chosen before creation 1v4 Just makes me imagine God getting all excited because he planned you

  You are called to Hope 1v18

  You are asked to make the most of every opportunity 5v16

  After you have done everything…STAND 6v13

  I am so grateful for the trust of my 13 year old heart.  I am so grateful for celebrating 18 years with my husband who checked everything on that list and more.  I am grateful for the stamina of this past year to fight for my boy to get to the right place, at the right time.   Can I pray for you somehow? Pray for me please to trust in the process and the timing, to let go and let God.  Pray for me to remember I am planned, I am called to hope, to make the most of every opportunity and at the end of the day to stand on that truth.

  Dang it and Hallelujah!

  Posted in AUGUST 2017 | 0 Comments | Tagged Ephesians 1:18, Ephesians 1:4, Ephesians 5:16, Ephesians 6:13, How the Light Gets In, Prayers, Praying, Proverbs 16:9, walk the walk

• Looking Back and Seeing…

  Posted at 5:01 pm by How the Light Gets In, on August 13, 2017

  We’re coming up on a year.  One FULL year.  I was looking for a picture on my phone and ended up at a group of pics from August 2016 that made me swallow hard.  Joseph hooked up to lines and monitors.  Joseph slumped over, skinny and pale.  Joseph leaving the hospital with a line in his chest and his eyes crossed from the swelling on his brain.   Just like that, those pictures took me right back to some dark days.   So, I switched over to Jason’s phone hoping to find the one picture from our beach trip last year.  Instead, ugh.  I found pictures of my family I didn’t remember.  Pictures I had never seen because I wasn’t there.  I wasn’t there for Lauren’s Gateway Ceremony.  I wasn’t there for Joseph’s impromptu birthday “party” to go apple picking with his best buddy Ryan.  I wasn’t there at the park.  I don’t remember because I was in and out of surgeries myself.  And then, I was so doped up on pain medications that I was asleep or dazed on the couch.

  Looking back makes me cry.  Makes me so sad.  So, I started asking God for how to work through looking back.  “Guide me on HOW to look back, Father because there’s a lot of bitterness and anger and dark wanting to take over right now.”  He answered.  I feel like when you lay it out, plain and simple.  God gives it right back the same way.  You see, later that day, I went to my eye doctor for a contact lens fitting and as I was checking out I heard a voice behind me.  Nope, not a James Earl Jones God voice… I heard Karen’s voice.  Karen was Joseph’s home care nurse.  She taught me how to give Joseph his daily infusions and she would change his dressing weekly.  I hadn’t seen her in months!  Karen is a living breathing reminder of Joseph’s medical journey.  For HER to be at the office and then sit down with me on a bench in front of Giant and ENCOURAGE ME to keep advocating, and APPLAUD ME for getting my boy into CHOP, and REMIND ME that Joseph is a tough little booger.  Turns out sometimes, God can look and sound like Karen.

  The Gospel from mass this morning is from Matthew 14, you know this one.  The Disciples were out at sea when a bad storm came up and Jesus walked on water out to them.  Yeah, I’ve heard this a million times before, Andrea.  HEAR IT AGAIN, Jesus walked on water.  Father White pointed out not that Jesus walked on water BUT that Jesus did the unexpected.  His friends were calling out to him and he showed up.  Call out to God and let Him surprise you.  I asked God for help navigating hard memories and He gave me someone who saw us at and through our ugliest, Karen.

  I ran home to pull out my journals from last year.   I wish I could post pictures of every page.  Because EVERY. SINGLE. PAGE. is God walking out to meet me.   Criste stuffing our pantry and TWO fridges full of food is Jesus walking out to me.  Keyne, Nicka, Jenna and Criste sitting out in a waiting room for hours is God sticking close to me.  Mary cleaning up the raw chicken mess and just being Mary is God’s defiant love for me.  Mrs Certeza, Mrs Reuter, Mrs Lebowitz, Mrs Nossel, Mrs Matthews creating a circle of compassion and patience for Joseph at school is God protecting my boy.  Laura and Christa showing up to clean my house while I tell drugged up, wacky, nonsense stories is God showing His sense of humor.   The pizza, fried chicken, tortilla soup, lasagna (Bethany, that my family still raves about), CHICKEN POT PIE, Chicken a la King (that I still have the handwritten directions for Janine), yummy onion potatoes, chili, grilled chicken and orzo, SPECTACULAR breakfast surprises; YES, God saying, “I see how you roll, Smithbergers.  You eat a lot.  I will send you a lot.” Beth organizing it all and encouraging through it all is God’s friendship; blue eyed and beautiful.  Taylor.  There are not enough words for how Jesus shines through her.  Angie, someone I never see, but she sees me and reflects Him.  Annette, that God would know me so well He would gift me a soul sister decades ago shows his all-knowing awesomeness.  Colleen is Godly beauty and just a really cool chick.  Running into Carey or Dana at Target and just laughing shows Jesus likes Target too.  Meredith, “deep calls to deep,” offers me wisdom no else can know unless you’ve watched your child go through the hard.  Johnny Kelly, evidence of God’s attention to detail and love for the Buckeyes (hee, hee).  My sisters… evidence of God’s artistry in weaving them into my life to save me my whole life.  I’ll never forget being in the ER, hooked up to morphine, and Pop Pop sitting faithfully by my side telling me stories – his loyalty to family is a beautiful reflection of God’s love.  Mike and Jill, continually reaching out to me to offer encouragement all while fighting their own battle, is Jesus selflessness.  My husband, working full time, taking care of me and Joseph, watching our pain, running the other 4 kids to whatever they had going on, being BOTH parents, his devotion and energy are His grace.

  Those are the real life examples of God meeting me.  But the journals are also filled with His word, scriptures speaking straight to my heart. “I am with you and will watch you wherever you go.” -Genesis 28:15 or “Remain in me and I will remain in you.” – John 15:4 and “May the God of Hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him so that you may overflow with Hope by the Power of the Holy Spirit.” – Romans 15:13 and Deuteronomy 3:16 “Be Strong and Courageous.  Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes WITH you, He will never leave you…”

  Joseph is now scheduled for another spinal tap, MRI and some bloodwork on August 28th.  365+ days later, still looking for a diagnosis and treatment.  Do I wish Joseph was cured by now?  And that my pain would disappear?  Yes.  Looking back, would I change anything?   Let’s say I wouldn’t plan it the way it happened.  Being honest.  But I wouldn’t change the past year.  Looking back, yes, I will feel the painful memories.  The pain is purposeful.  But, I won’t let it linger.  We have learned too much.  We have been loved so much.  I have been surprised by how God shows up.  And the “unexpected” is worth it all.  God is real.

  Amen.

  Posted in AUGUST 2017 | 2 Comments | Tagged CHOP, Deuteronomy 3:16, Genesis 28:15, How the Light Gets In, John 15:4, Journal, looking back, Matthew 14, MRI, Romans 15:13, Spinal Tap

• Being Still

  Posted at 1:43 pm by How the Light Gets In, on August 10, 2017

  Be Still… I feel like we’ve all heard that call in an old hymn or seen it on a trendy chalkboard. But the invitation to BE STILL might be one of the oldest invites ever. Psalm 46:10 says, “Be Still and know that I am God.”
  But today, right now, how do I “be still?” Do I literally sit and then how do I know? How can I be still when life is moving and changing and anxiety is growing and fear is battling hard? Well, I know now. You blow bubbles. You. Blow. Bubbles.
  Joseph and I were sitting with his therapist unloading all the ugly when she offered us each a bottle of bubbles. Joseph immediately challenged himself to blow the biggest bubble ever. And me? Well, I’m pretty sure I splattered the poor woman with a soapy mess. The hot air coming out of me was not so chill. She encouraged us to shut our eyes and listen for the sounds the bubbles make as they float and pop. She told us to open our eyes and watch the sizes, all the different colors and how they move. She told us to feel the cool pop when the bubbles hit our arms. She told us to inhale the slight, faint smell. Yes, she told us to even let a bubble hit our tongues. People, it took maybe 5 minutes to engage and breathe and take it in. Joseph and I walked into that session all wound up and on the verge of some kinda tantrum. But we walked out of there smiling and calm.
  “Taste and See the Goodness of the Lord” (Psalm 34:4) The lesson comes before and goes beyond bubbles, clearly. Maybe to Be Still means to take the time to experience your experiences with your God given senses.
  I love this story in Luke 10:10… Jesus and his friends had stopped at Martha’s house. “She had a sister called, Mary, who sat at the Lord’s feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, ‘Lord, don’t you care that my sister (my kids, my husband, my co-worker) has left me to do the work all by myself? Tell her to help me!’
  *PAUSE HERE* because the hustle and the struggle is THOUSANDS of years old. Great, right? Ok, continue…
  “Martha, Martha,’ the Lord answered, ‘you are worried and upset about many things, but few things are needed –indeed only one. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her.” Martha is getting it done and she is busy doing it. All the while, Jesus is at her house. Jesus is sitting in her living room and she comes in to try and throw Mary under the bus for not running around like she is! Exclamation point because I am such a Martha! But Jesus is saying, “Hey, come sit a bit. Let’s hang out.”
  I’m trying to Be Still. Learning how to be a Mary. It takes time and effort to experience the experience but it is worth it.
  And for me, right now, to Be Still means when Lily grabs my hand to jump in the waves, I let my hand feel how small and soft her little hand is in mine. It means when I have a piece of Grauls cake, I let that buttercream melt in my mouth so slowly I can taste all the heavenly (because it is from heaven) ingredients one by one. It means waking up early so I can remember quiet again. And I use that quiet to sit and listen for the words that can’t be taken away from me.
  Jesus meets me right there in my living room at 5:50 every morning and he’s holding Lily’s other hand with me and he’s crying tears of YES watching Joseph jump and dive and laugh in the ocean for HOURS.
  It takes time and effort to experience the experience but it is worth it.

  Because then you know.

  Posted in AUGUST 2017 | 1 Comment | Tagged Be Still, Bubbles, Grauls cake, How the Light Gets In, Luke 10:10, Martha, Psalm 46:10