Tag: Pain

• Healing Notes

  Posted at 12:53 pm by How the Light Gets In, on November 8, 2022

  Three years ago, I was deciding between two options: Pain or Paralysis.

  Which one would you choose?

  Option 1 meant debilitating pain, lots of meds, laying on the couch in the fetal position trying not to take too deep a breath because you don’t want to wake up the pain monster inside, and filling your calendar with one doctor/therapy/acupuncture appointment after another.

  Option 2 meant surgeons going into your abdomen to pull out 8 tiny metal coils left behind from a previous surgery. You should know this surgery had a 97% chance of paralyzing your left leg.

  So, which one would you choose?

  I didn’t go with either of those.

  Instead, 3 years ago today, I walked away from those options and walked into a room at church.

  Opening the door, I was greeted with equal parts sunlight and hope. 

  Lavish and Crazy. Three years later, I stand by those words with a whole bunch of awe and gratitude and “what the heck” mixed in.

  I experienced a miracle – a full, miraculous healing.

  It doesn’t make sense to me either. To be honest, it feels uneven in this wonky world to have been healed when I see and love so many others that I want healed.

  Still, the past 365 days of living, breathing, walking, loving, cooking, driving, celebrating, listening, crying, lighting candles, singing, watching, grieving, yelling, praying, laughing, cleaning, traveling, hiking, sleeping, waking up, hugging, writing, learning, cheering, consoling, baking have felt like a lavish and crazy, what the heck kind of gift.

  We’ve learned a lot together over the years, haven’t we? We’ve learned about waiting and trusting and hope.

  I wonder what your healing looks like. Have you brought it to Jesus yet?

  One thing I’ve learned about hope and healing this year is to live IN expectation, not with expectation.

  My own expectations with my own timetable and my limited vision have held me back.

  Living IN the promise of God, believing He works in the abundantly more kind of way pushes me out in the wild wind of hope, up on my tippy toes, searching the horizon.

  In Mark 5:34, Jesus says, “Daughter, your faith has healed you.  Go in peace and be freed from your suffering.”

  In Luke 7:50, He says, “Your faith has saved you.  Go in peace.”

  Then, in Luke 17:19 “Rise and go, your faith has made you well.”  

  And again, in Mark 10:52 “Go, your faith has healed you.”

  In each of these stories; Jesus has just healed someone and then told them to go and live life because their faith had healed them.  

  The back stories are all different.  The woman in the Gospel of Mark suffered from bleeding for a dozen years.  In the Gospel of Luke, a known adulteress barges into a dinner hoping for a blank slate from Jesus.  Later in Mark, we hear of a blind beggar seeking sight.  And in Luke, the group of lepers asking for healing.  

  The approach in each situation is vastly different.  The hemorrhagic woman quietly touches the edge of Jesus cloak.  The blind beggar screams out repeatedly in front of everyone.  The adulteress walks right into a house full of her biggest critics.  And the lepers, a big ol’ group of them, approach Jesus as one. 

  How would you approach Jesus for healing?  

  Why would you approach Jesus for healing?  

  Why don’t you approach Jesus for healing?  

  RUN OFF TO MEET JESUS. TELL HIM THE PROBLEM. ASK HIM WHY HE DIDN’T COME SOONER, WHY HE ALLOWED THAT AWFUL THING TO HAPPEN. AND THEN BE PREPARED FOR A SURPRISING RESPONSE. I CAN’T PREDICT WHAT THE RESPONSE WILL BE, FOR THE VERY GOOD REASON THAT IT IS ALWAYS, ALWAYS A SURPRISE. BUT I DO KNOW THE SHAPE IT WILL TAKE. JESUS WILL MEET YOUR PROBLEM WITH SOME NEW PART OF GOD’S FUTURE THAT CAN AND WILL BURST INTO YOUR PRESENT TIME, INTO THE MESS AND GRIEF, WITH GOOD NEWS, WITH HOPE, WITH NEW POSSIBILITIES. – N.T. WRIGHT

  Happy Anniversary to all of us.

  Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment | Tagged Church of the Nativity, healing, HOPE, How the Light Gets In, Jesus, Miracle, NT Wright, Pain, stories

• Unwrap a gift with me

  Posted at 10:50 am by How the Light Gets In, on March 4, 2021

  

  Buy the Oranges – How The Light Gets In

  Whether geese are leaving your skies or arriving for the winter, I hope this little project greets you with an embrace this holiday season. Now, go buy the oranges.

  1. Buy the Oranges 08:23
  2. Healing Notes 06:00
  3. Spiritual Coaching Lesson #1 08:08
  4. Grounding: Practicing Presence in your Present 09:00
  5. What is your Song? 07:02

  Time and Distance lovingly offered me a present. It feels too special and beautiful and too big for just me. So, would you unwrap it with me?

  There were more than a thousand days in 2016 through 2019. Looking back through journals, it feels as if each one of them was blotched with dark, angry pain. Plus, I was bitter. There was a lot of shame and hurt on one very specific area of my body; spanning my hips, left to right, from my waist to my knees. And that very specific area was exactly where every doctor and nurse and specialist wanted to put their focus. It felt cruel that an area of my body that I wanted to avoid, that I had spent my life avoiding, was now the exact place I would be scanned, injected, cut through and pondered over. It’s as if the universe was taking my face in it’s hands and directing it at my pelvis in what felt like a staring contest. The body always keeps score, right? That staring contest took 3 years, 5 surgeries, 13 scars, lots of meds and a bunch of metal coils in my side wall (which is part of the pelvis). My body was up by 1.

  I was seeing three specialists during this time; Dr. Steven Adashek (surgeon) and Dr. Sam DuFlo (Physiotherapist) and Jamie (Therapist). At the time, I couldn’t see it. But looking back now, I see how each of these spectacular humans was vital to my healing. Dr. Adashek offered me the anatomical explanation and cutting through things like my nerve entrapment and scar tissue. Dr. Sam DuFlo gently pushed and pressed on my stomach stretching the physiological and metaphorical anger inside, teaching me the gifts of stretching and breathing to care for my body. Jamie listens and coaches my heart towards the courage it needs to go places I didn’t want to go before. They were and still are my “Dream Team.”

  Looking back, with just enough distance I can see God was doing a thing. He was setting the stage for healing.

  While the process was in motion, I was hoping He was going to take the pain away.

  But this is God we’re talking about.

  God was working with me through Dr. Adashek, Dr. Sam and Jamie to do more than just take the pain away. God was working to restore, redeem and repair. Have you heard the phrase “abundantly more”? THIS is how God operates, in an EXTRA sort of way.

  What are you battling, hiding, avoiding, white-knuckling? Can you step out of it just for a moment? Can you hit pause and breathe? Will you allow Time and Distance to present you with their gifts? If you journal, take some time to flip back and take note of the people and situations and “coincidences” along the way. If you have a billion photos, take some time to scroll through the past year and see what memories stop you.

  I may not be on anyone’s dream team but whether you like it or not, I’m your cheerleader. I’ve got a megaphone and a big story and loud voice to tell you this: God has assembled a Dream Team for you. God is working on the details to teach you, equip you and encourage you to full healing beyond what you’re hoping for. I don’t know what it looks like, who’s involved or when it will happen but

  GOD

  IS

  WORKING

  FOR

  YOU.

  Keep your eyes open, ears alert, heart ready.

  GOD

  IS

  WORKING

  FOR

  YOU.

  Posted in March 2021, Uncategorized | 0 Comments | Tagged Brene Brown, God, healing, How the Light Gets In, Indigo Physio, Miracle, Pain, surgery, Therapy

• Day 8: Healing

  Posted at 8:45 am by How the Light Gets In, on November 8, 2020

  Day 8: Oh my goodness. I’m excited and nervous to share this.

  Being honest, I don’t know why I got this and others haven’t.

  That’s a reason I didn’t want to share this story.

  It feels uneven because it is… but it doesn’t make it any less true.

  “Still, what I want in my life is to be willing to be dazzled – to cast aside the weight of facts… and maybe even to load a little above this difficult world, I want to believe I am looking into the white fire of a great mystery. I want to believe that the imperfections are nothing – that the light is everything.”  

  Mary Oliver

  HEALING

  O my soul, bless God.
      From head to toe, I’ll bless his holy name!
  O my soul, bless God,
      don’t forget a single blessing!

  ^3-5 He forgives your sins—every one.
      He heals your diseases—every one.
      He redeems you from hell—saves your life!
      He crowns you with love and mercy—a paradise crown.
      He wraps you in goodness—beauty eternal.
      He renews your youth—you’re always young in his presence.

  ^6-18 God makes everything come out right;
      he puts victims back on their feet. -Psalm 103

  It’s been one year God. I can’t thank you enough. Why me? I don’t know. I pray anyone and everyone who sees this feels hope stirring in their hearts. I pray they push past the idea that hope should feel solid. Hope is fragile and shaky and true. You God, promise healing and light and love. Your promises, better yet, YOU never change. Thank you. Thank you.

  Posted in November 2020 | 2 Comments | Tagged healing, How the Light Gets In, Mary Oliver, Maverick City Music, Pain, Psalm 103

• Eye Exercises

  Posted at 3:08 pm by How the Light Gets In, on March 5, 2020

  I’ve become a real big girl in these past few years. I mean, I am 44 years old. So, in theory, I really should behave like a strong, determined, positive, aware adult but that hasn’t been the case.

  Are you all grown up and settled into your best life? Yeah, I didn’t think so. In my 44 years of well-earned wisdom, I’m here to tell you:

  1. You are ok

  2. Keep Going

  3. There’s so much more to learn

  My trigger for this random post was a #2 Ticonderoga. Lily put the freshly sharpened pencil in my face and asked, “Aren’t pointy pencils the best?” And just like that, my heart got all heavy and achey.

  

  Remember when Joseph was sick? If you don’t, here’s the recap: For 18 months or so, Joseph was declining before our eyes. His brain was so swollen from whatever he was fighting that his eyes went crossed and stayed there. He had 11 lesions on his brain. He’d lost 14 pounds and was losing muscle tone every day. He struggled through brain fog. The swelling also gave him hypersensitivity to just about everything. My little boy was slipping away in front of us and no one knew why and no one knew what to do.

  Among many visits to many doctors, there was one I looked forward to and that was our weekly check up with the ophthalmologist. Dr. Collins always offered a calm voice in the chaos of appointments and tests and diagnoses.

  One visit, Dr. Collins gave us homework. A daily assignment for me and Joseph.

  And I didn’t want to do it.

  Her instructions were for Joseph and I to sit across from each other, knee to knee. I was to hold up a sharpened pencil right in front of his little nose and then move the pencil slowly to the left and back to center. And repeat. And repeat until his eye got tired. Then we would do the same to the right.

  

  Try to imagine how hard it was looking at my boy back then. I would willingly sit beside him and sketch with him. I would happily make him cookies and hold him in my lap and feel him relax.

  But this homework was making me do something I was avoiding; I would have to face Joseph. I would have to look him in the literal eye and face what was scaring me. And I would have to do it again and again.

  And I did my homework. Every night, I faced Joseph and we did eye exercises. I looked right into his eyes that were confused and trying and saw a little boy much the same.

  I learned that when those tiny, spidery vessels would show up turning his eyes red; he would want to keep pushing. So, I learned to hold back my tears and push him to keep going. I fought with God in my head, “Why is this happening? What is even happening?” I learned how determined Joseph is. I learned I could face the hard stuff.

  Only God could use a daily eye exercise to train up my heart.

  What little thing could you start doing today to train your heart?

  If I can do it, you can do it. Face the hard thing – with a friend, in prayer, through therapy – Face the hard thing.

  Start small.

  Maybe screenshot this verse from 2 Timothy 1:7 and repeat it every day.

  

  Mighty. Power. Love. Self-Control.

  God made you stronger than you know.

  Remind me of this when I’m wimping out later today💗

  Posted in March 2020, Uncategorized | 2 Comments | Tagged 2 Timothy 1:7, How the Light Gets In, Jesus, Pain, PTSD, Therapy

• I don’t want to forget…

  Posted at 12:21 am by How the Light Gets In, on August 24, 2017

  Last night, I said out loud “I feel like the old Andrea again!”  I was smiling ear to ear as I told Jason “I went to the bank, the store, picked up the girls from cross country, made lunch, went for a mommy-daughter date with friends, dropped the big girls off at Hunt Valley, made dinner, took everyone to the pool, fired up the grill; and I’m NOT hurting!”  There.  My list of “accomplishments.”

  The smile faded and I went to bed unhappy.  I have had several days of no pain.  That, in and of itself, is worthy of cartwheels!  Very stiff carthweels.  But something was feeling eh.  I tried to lay down earlier, hoping I could relax.  But, the list-making was back and it was loud.  Prioritzing housework, delegating who would do what, mapping out my route to “make the most of the day”– sound familar?   I’m actually really good at mapping out my errands in a circle so I end up at home feeling accomplished – saved gas, checked off list, made it home to just circle again.  And then, I get to rattle off my list to whoever will listen.  All the circles -no wonder my head is spinning!

  This morning, I prayed for quiet in my head.   If you don’t sit in quiet, I INSIST you try. And, don’t even start with “I don’t have time.”  SIT.  Ten minutes.  And then what?  Well, I’m a big fan of “thank you’s,” so I like to start with:  “Thank you for this moment.  Thank you for another day.  Thank you for deep breaths.  Thank you for those I love.  Thank you for this peace.  Thank you for stillness.”  Just try.

  Oddly enough, it was during my thank you’s that I panicked.  Because, it was in the quiet I realized I was back to feeling normal!  So, why am I running in circles again?!  I realized I was playing with the same, old moves.  Boo Andrea.   Then, I got all annoyed because I was throwing away a year worth of “training.”  What an intense 10 minutes, huh?  Stick with me…

  Pain took me out of my game last year.  So many times, I wanted to get up and GO.  But moving hurt too much.

  Pain isolated me.  Friends would come to chat and keep me in the loop.  But, the hurt would cut our visit short.

  Pain made me bitter.  My kids were making memories without me, friends were playing tennis without me, life was moving around me and I… was on the couch.

  But, Pain gifted me the chance to be an observer.  I got to witness my husband, my kids, my friends, my faith.  The time I spent sitting was a chance to see how fast I was moving before pain.  I could see that yes, I was getting a lot of stuff done but ugh.

  The time I spent on the couch became opportunities for short but sweet, eye to eye conversations.  My pain really sifted the heck out of our schedules until our family calendar had “empty” days.   Pain cancelled my business of busy-ness.

  Yes, Pain twisted me into the fetal position too many times but man, it has also slowed me to an intentional pace.  And I am grateful for it.  Have you read “Present Over Perfect” by Shauna Niequist?  In addition to sitting for ten minutes, reading the book is another MUST!   Shauna writes “I can’t hear the voice of love when I’m hustling.  All I can hear are my own feet pounding the pavement, and the sound of other runners about to overtake me, beat me.  But competition has no place in my life anymore.”

  It took 5 surgeries and 13 scars to get me to a place where I get that.  I’m over having my house be perfect for you to come over.  Come over.  But call first.  I’m not into pushing my kids to be on travel and club teams.  I just want them happy and working on figuring out how to do that together!  I’m not into verbalizing my schedule to watch your eyes grow bigger in awe anymore.  I used to do that to make myself feel better.  (Insert, face palm here)   “See how busy I am?  I am so busy!”  I am done competing for busiest.    Paul wrote in his letter to the Romans, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.”  -Romans 12:2  This world is running on Dunkin, in circles, for “Longest Checked List” award.  I’m done.

  I’m breaking the pattern and digging the transformation. I’m leaving days on the calendar “empty.”  I’m inhaling and feeling the breath fill my body.  I’m saying lots of Thank You’s.

  And watching for how the light gets in.

  Posted in AUGUST 2017 | 1 Comment | Tagged Busy-ness, How the Light Gets In, Pain, Romans 12:2

• How I Got Here

  Posted at 1:44 am by How the Light Gets In, on August 4, 2017

  Oreos and Jesus.  Seriously?  That was the best I had.  I have been wanting to start a blog for a while but the NAME?!?!?!!?  Sooooooo hard.  And, I really do love Oreos and Jesus.  A lot.

  But, I love the light.  Love looking for it.  Love seeing the light in other people’s stories.  And this past year, HOPING to see it had become a solid challenge.  So, when I started brainstorming a name for this blog; the LIGHT had to be part of it.  And the hard had to be part of it.  “How the Light Gets In” made my heart thump.  The hard stuff these past months, days even, have broken my heart a little.  Life does that.  But God keeps shining through.

  Back to the title… Journaling the next morning, I scribbled out all my doubts and questions and a very direct request that if Jesus wants me writing my story with His words; that HE NEEDS TO BE SUPER CLOSE ALL THE TIME.  Typing that out shows me that I have bossy-pants issues with God even.  Lord, help me.

  Usually, after writing out my thanks and my requests and my worries, I pray.  Specifically, I read two devotionals along with the scriptures they suggest and sit with them a little.  And the “Jesus Calling” for that morning offered a few verses to nudge me to the keyboard this morning.

  John 8:12 defines the LIGHT as “Jesus…the light of the world.”  Then, in Matthew 5:16, Jesus says, “Let your light shine before others.”  Are you with me here?  And then, to kick my nagging self-doubt in the booty; Moses (in Exodus 3:11) whines a lot like I’ve been and God answers, “I will be with you.”

  So here we are.

  Be a light, reflect the light, go and find the light.   If it feels too dark for you to even want to look; LOOK.

  Today is my birthday!!! I am in a good deal of pain, Joseph’s MRI, spinal tap and double eye surgery are around the corner with who knows what to follow, PLUS I have to fill out medical forms for all five kids –  not going to let the big or the little stuff poopoo my day.. I plan on soaking up sunshine, eating Oreos and thanking Jesus.

  Posted in AUGUST 2017 | 0 Comments | Tagged Exodus 3:11, How the Light Gets In, Jesus, John 8:12, Journal, Light, Oreos, Pain